how to stop bleeding
fuck me nothing lasts. a newcomer to perimenopause primer
humans
we’re excretion machines
we ingest and expel so much through our awfully porous bodies
coming out as
sweat, tears, shit, piss
barf, odour, heat
hair, nails, puss, crusts
cum, drool, snot
blood
crud
our bodies are literally shedding skin 24/7
meanwhile we can’t help but spew words, make sounds, involuntarily exhaling breath, exuding pheromones, and spreading attitudes and moods
roar moan bitch itch wail flail flounder
there’s no avoiding it
we are total animals !
i’m in my mid 40s and recently have been feeling super randy like a teenager in heat
i’m turned on all the time
i think i’m perimenopausal
i read somewhere that my testosterone levels might be cranked. i feel more passionate but also way more rageful
yayyy! grrrr!
menstrual periods are trash
they are absolute garbage
the shedding of what goo’s unused
fluid cycles on repeat
involuntary oozing
have you ever written a message in blood?
careful what you write
it’s probably the most binding spell
back in the day i co-wrote a poem with my girlfriend at the time. we were both in our early twenties and channelled our relationship commitment to each other by scrawling out random sentences on paper in a state of completely spontaneous whimsy. we both signed it in menstrual blood, and now that same person is my current partner of 22 years (!) and the two of us are going through perimenopause together. i should dig that crusty paper up out of storage
bloody contract it really sticks
then it dries into brown rust colour all crackly and brittle
i haven’t bled for over three months now
it’s the longest i’ve ever gone without bleeding
i don’t miss the blood
my periods are/were excruciating
sometimes there is so much pain from cramps that i lose sensation in my fingers and hands and end up barfing to release at peak tension
sometimes i chant and disassociate to get through it by talking in tongues while submerged in the bath
this kind of monthly pain isn’t normal but it gets normalized
this type of pain is normally hidden . most people with wombs are monthly masking their own personal concoction of sad angry throbbing internal grief stew. . . a living dying ache inhabiting the centre of the body every moon since puberty
it’s a real deep familiar pain
a through line
a lifeline
a deadline
dead ends
dead beginnings
i told my doctor that i stopped bleeding and she said don’t get used to it. it will come back she says. it’s rare to have a clean switch on off during this transition she says. (this transition? wtf is this transition?)
perimenopause (i’m learning) is a widely variable, unpredictable gap of time before periods stop fully completely… a gap that’s filled with a highly personalized, specific to each body blend of symptoms. the textbooks say that the day after one full year of no periods you are officially in menopause. but it could take years (or even decades!) to reach that final plateau. so perimenopause is basically like another puberty. a long and drawn out messy, unapologetically and unavoidably happening phase of life
hormones yes they absolutely rule us !
éjeuner sur l’abstraction” watercolour on paper, 7x10cm, jessica gabriel, 2023going deeper
perimenopause is unpredictable like a sudden smear of spotting blood (or not) with a side of moodiness and foggy brain (or not) plus a whole schwack of other possible symptoms… in fact the doc says there are over 200 different reported symptoms (!?) sporadic symptoms onset and offset for many years (or not) with each body having its own set of variables. weeeeee!!!
ok body journey
well well
boy oh boy
what a ride
for now i’ll be taking the full on horniness with a grain of salt, sprinkling in moments of hyper focussed rage, complete with full body eczema flareups, migraine auras, and random boils popping up in awkward spots
i’ve also been feeling extra charged up in conversations with others. i bring an intensity and bulging out eyes to every topic. i’ve been catching myself leaning way too far forwards REALLY listening with HYPER FOCUS (it might be a temporary super power) so if you read this leave a comment i will for sure reflect and buff up whatever average thoughts drip from your fingertips…
Mysterious misery, Melancholic mourning, Mojo meltdown, Murky muddle. Went on for quite some years. Hang in there.